This was my baby

Two years today since i had some spotting. Since i met my obstetrician. Since i had that scan that showed no foetal heartbeat. It was the worst day of my life. I am sure a miscarriage is going to be awful no matter what. Mine was a horrible story and one i would rather wasn't a part of my life.

I had some spotting and rang my OB to get an appointment to see what was going on. It was Wednesday 17th of June 2009. My first appointment was supposed to be Friday the 19th of June. I would have been 12 weeks and we were gearing up to shout our news from the roof tops! I arrived at the Ob nervous as all hell and all alone as my husband was working away. I sat in a waiting room filled with pregnant women. An acquaintance was one of them. She yelled across the waiting room at me "Oh my god are you having a baby too?". How do you answer this when you have told no one your pregnant and your bleeding? I shrugged it off with some muttered words and buried my head in the magazine i was reading. The obstetrican told me it was probably nothing but sent me for a scan. The referral had "threatened miscarriage" on it. As i lay on the bed with the scanner searching my tummy for a heartbeat that empty feeling fell in my stomach. No heartbeat detected and my bub was only measuring 7 weeks and 1 day. A missed miscarriage i was told.  I got dressed, waited for the scans to print out and then walked back to my car where i promptly burst  into tears.I knew i wasn't pregant anymore and i was all alone.

 I went back to the obstetrician where i got to sit in the waiting room for and hour and a half. This time the waiting room was almost empty and the only women coming in were those that had newborns. It really was awful sitting there with the worst news all alone while the receptionist fussed over the very thing i had just lost. When the obstetrician finally saw me and confirmed the news i burst into tears. He told me to stop referring to it as a baby because it was simply just an embryo and i shouldn't be so upset. I was too upset to really respond to that but it is something that has stayed with me since that day. I don't know why i had a missed miscarriage. I don't even know why my body took so long to repond to the miscarriage. I had a D&C on the friday. Instead of driving to town to get the A ok on our pregnancy we were now driving to town to get the remains of our BABY removed. Its a time in my life i would rather not have experienced and still brings so much sadness.

Hurdles

Do you ever think back to your childhood and remember not only all the fun you had with your family but also the hurdles that challenged you? I remember my first hurdle in life was having to grow my hair and wear shoes. My family were going on a holiday to Ireland for the winter. I was 4.  My mother insisted i grow my hair so it could be tied up and that i wear shoes. I remember crying as she would brush the knots out of my hair and the tantrums i threw of having to wear socks and shoes. A hard feat when you've grown up in Sunny Qld and spent all day playing outside with no shoes! At 4 these were big issues in my life. Unfortunatley as you get older the hurdles are still there and unfortunatley for me they get harder and just keep coming. I feel like i'm stuck on the running track of infertility and the main event is hurdles. There is no big crowd cheering me on just the odd timekeeper who keeps reminding me the "clock is ticking" "your running out of time" and my all time favourites "i noticed your not drinking is this cause your pregnant".