What a huge 24 hours!

Oh my gosh don't quite know where to start so please forgive my ramblings.

After a massive week at work i felt exhausted yesterday. 30 three and four year olds each day at preschool has just worn me out. So this week has gone very fast for me. I have literally had not much of a life other than work and bed.  So focussing on the fact that my blood test was looming today really only played on my mind when i went to the toilet and checked my nickers.

 Until last night when the cramps in my tummy intensified. I tucked myself up in bed at 8.30 totally exhausted. Until 10.15 when i woke with the urgent need to vomit. Not an easy task because my toilet is outside. So began my night filled with numerous trips to the toilet to vomit.

Here is a question "what is worse than having to run to an outside toilet to vomit"?
a) you don't run fast enough and vomit on your sock and the toilet floor and while you have your head in the toilet the cat is licking up the vomit?
b) your trip over the dog who thinks you running to the toilet at 3 in the morning is a game?
c) your husband who has been out all night fishing is gutting his catch outside the front door at 3.30am when you are on yet another run to the toilet and proceeds to tell you "fish for tea tomorrow"?

The answer ALL OF THE ABOVE

After my bonding with the toilet i then had to drive to work (60kms) till my replacement came in. I then went for my blood test:

BFP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  HCG 258
So what i thought was gastro could now possibly be morning sickness?

I'm so happy that after what was an  awfully long night this day has started off so well, and now i'm going to rub my tummy and catch up on some much needed sleep.

PGD Results

I would have had this posted sooner but after i typed it on my iphone on Wednesday afternoon whilst sitting at the airport my iphone had a little tantrum and the whole post was lost whilst i was trying to post it. After an emotional few days it was almost enough to tip me over the edge completley so i didn't bother retyping it in case the same thing happened again.

So my results were fantastic. All that stressing, freaking out and tears were for nothing because so far (fingers crossed) everything is going to plan. I got to see the PGD scientist first who gave me my results:

2 - affected embryos (these were male because only males get affected)
2 - carrier embryos (these were females because they don't get affected but pass it on - e.g me)
4 - not affected embryos (boys and girls but i didn't ask how many of each)

I'm stoked with that. As you can see though this genetic disease which i am a carrier of is quite strong with half my embryos either affected or carriers.

Next came the embryologist who told me all about my embryos. The one that was going in was a hatching blastocyst and doing absolutley everything they want it to do. According to the emrbryologist is looks perfect! Not sure how i feel about that. Part of me got super excited then the Joanne who has had so many tranfers I'm almost running out of fingers to count them on emerged and i started to panic. Thoughts like "oh god if this embryo is perfect and everything they want it to be and it doesn't stick than what chances do i have of ever falling pregnant." I guess this is the emotional infertile who lacks self confidence in their body doing the most natural thing in the world, that it continues to fail at - coming out.

Anyway my FS gave the embryo a good talking to and told it we have done enough mucking around and now we want a baby. Lightened the mood of him between my legs with a giant needle containing my perfect precious embryo.

So here i am 2 days post transfer and doing everything possible to not obsess about this TWW. My blood test is due next friday the 14th. I will have to wait to the Saturday to do my blood test though as i start my new job on Monday and the pathology lab is an hour and a half from work one way and doesn't open till 7.30am and i start work at 8am.

I am surprisingly calm though. I'm excited to be spending my TWW focussing on my new job instead of obsessing over every niggle and twinge and visiting Dr Google! Af usually arrives before my blood test and i just hope with all my heart that she stays away and this time i get my take home baby.

We made it to biopsy!

Phew! I didn't get the call till 10.30am and was freaking out! But we have 8 little day 6 embryos that the clinic were able to biopsy.

Another hurdle passed - now hopefully we will have a healthy one to transfer.

Day 3 Results are in!

It was 10.30 am and I still hadn't got my results so I rang the clinic. I hate this wait I find it way worse than the actual TWW itself. The nurse told me they were very busy in the lab today and not to panic they just hadnt checked them yet.

Anyway the nurse just rang and it's great news. At day 3 they like the embryos to be 6 cells or above. I have 1 slow embryo at 5 cells and the other 14 are 6 cells or above!!!! There is even a 10 cell one in there which could be developing too fast. So that leaves 12 in the normal range. WOOHOO!!!!

So I feel better by the looks of things I will have plenty of little embryos for testing, which is a good thing as usually half or more of my embryos are affected. These are the best results I've ever had so I'm stoked.

I have a good feeling about this cycle- everything is just falling into place.

Fertilization results

Everything is going brilliantly so far. All 18 eggs were mature enough for ICSI to be performed and out of those 18 there was 15 that fertilized. The nurse said I am incredibly lucky and I certainly feel it! Bring on Sunday's day 3 results.

A good haul

Epu today. All went well 18 eggies collected altogether. Procedure was a bit painful
But manageable.

This is posted from my iPhone so please forgive my lack of details

Its Time!!!!

I had another ultrasound and blood test this morning and this afternoon recieved the exciting news that egg pick up will be Thursday morning sometime!

 This morning i was super calm at my ultrasound compared to normal, in fact so calm i never asked how big the biggest follie was or even how many there were. In my previous post i mentioned i had 20 follicles on each side. Instead i lay there completley calm and dare i say it relaxed,  for someone who had a probe shoved up their veejeejay.  That was until the radiographer started counting the follicles on my right ovary, she got to 29 -  29 FREAKING FOLLICLES!

I froze. I freaked. I said nothing.

I have no idea how many were on the other ovary i never asked and she never counted out loud.

You see i have overstimulated on my very first ICSI cycle way back in 2008. Despite having PCOS and getting 18 eggs at epu my dr never touched on the fact i could get OHSS and so it was only when i couldn't walk and felt like i had water sloshing around inside me that i demanded a BT and was found to be severley overstimulated and put on immediate bed rest.

I'm going to trust in the process though. I have done so many cycles and things finally look like they could be looking up for me. I have had my endometriosis removed and we have recieved this amazing grant where our cycle is fully funded. 

This cycle I will get lots of good qualitiy eggs that will fertilise. I will get the PGD testing done and i will have unaffected embryos to transfer and i will get my miracle baby.

Fingers crossed anyway!

Grow follies Grow!

Well i had my first ultrasound on Friday and i had a few follies but they were still very small at about 10mm. I had 20 follicles on each ovary. Of course this is due to my PCOS and not all Follicles will grow to have an egg but it does mean i'm starting to feel bloated.

I have overstimulated before on my very first ICSI cycle so that is something i am very aware of and very scared of ever happening again. The recommendation from the nurse on friday drink lots and lots of water and rest when i feel i need too. So that is how i have spent my weekend, drinking loads of water and having nana naps. I am still getting over a cold so i haven't felt the best so i really have tried to rest.

Tomorrow i have another ultrasound and blood test. I really am hoping that these follies have grown lots over the weekend. I'm starting to feel uncomfortable and quite nauseus from the drugs so i'm hoping epu is sooner rather than later.

Time will tell i guess

Control Freak

Argh i have been feeling sick all week! I got that sore throat, headache, stuffed nose feeling on Tuesday and i've been downhill since. I was asleep most nights this week by 8pm on the lounge. Today the headaches have gone and the nose has dried up but my throat is still very sore and quite swollen on one side and i still don't feel like eating.

Does anyone feel the pressure to eat really well when on a cycle? I obsess over it actually. I hate breakfast. And this week i have not felt the slightest bit hungry in the moring then i try to force myself to eat something and end up feeling worse.

I really turn into some sort of control freak when on a cycle. I think i end up putting more pressure on myself than required because if i get another BFN i want to be able to say to myself "You did everything possible to make it work".

Last day of work yesterday at my old job. Two weeks holiday than i start the new job. Had a great day and was even able to have a little giggle when one of my co-workers said "Do you really think going back to work 5 days is a good idea, I mean you should start seriously thinking about having a baby and then work around the baby. You don't have forever to fall pregnant you know but you have many more years of work left in you". Ahhh the life of a fertile - thanks for the advice and the reminder!

The stars are aligning!

Oh my gosh i woke up this morning oblivious to what was going to happen to me. I had to travel an hour to the next town to get a BT to check my levels were rising from the puregon. I got that done no dramas at all. I then had about 5 hours to kill before i had a meeting to attend.

I went shopping but since i've been scrimping and saving every dollar for this cycle i couldn't buy anything. Needless to say i got bored of that quickly so i decided i would go and see a movie - i chose the Smurfs!!!! It was funny and there was only me and one other person in the theatre so that was cool.

Anyway after the movie i noticed a missed call on my phone. It was from someone at my clinic. I rang back assuming it was my BT results. It wasn't. In fact this phone call was going to change my day. In July i applied for a PGD grant through my clinic. It closed end of July and was for either full funding or part funding of a PGD cycle. The panel was to meet in August and notify the successful applicants, however there were so many applications the panel decided to tighten the criteria and meet again in september to review the applications. The lady was ringing to tell me we were successful and are recieving a grant to pay for our whole cycle!  (which costs $12 000). I burst into tears and was sobbing to this poor lady on the phone who i think was just ecstatic to be sharing such wonderful news with an obviously very grateful person. This morning i had no idea i was going to get the best news ever. I feel like i have won the lottery and have been crying on and off all afternoon.

Finally everything is falling into place - new job, clinically funded cycle now all i need is my take home baby

I'm not sure why out of all those people that applied we got chosen but i am so grateful and can't stop thinking maybe just maybe things will work this time.

I'm so tired

I'm tired. So tired. I get home at night and i'm asleep before 8pm. Seriously this is ridiculous. I always get tired on a cycle but mainly just before epu. I haven't even started my puregon, i start that in the morning. I'm getting worried actually, i have quite a few bruises already and don't know how i'm going to find enough space for 2 needles! Oh well tomorrow is exciting because i start the FSH and that means by about this time next week i should be starting to feel my ovaries! Bring on the follies!

Please can i have just one stress free cycle?

I've done 3 full stimulated cycles and 6 fet's and I think its about time i got my take home baby. The thing is every cylce i've done something goes wrong that stresses me out. What goes wrong varies but its always something and it always seems to stress me out and with those hormones pumping through my veins i don't cope well and usually end up an emotional mess. You see i put my whole self emotionally on the line when i do a cycle. No matter how many times i warn myself not to i still do. I tell myself i'm going to be upset anyway if it doens't work so why not go into it with a positive attitude and who knows it might actually work. Of course so far it hasn't not since my miscarriage anyway.

This time i'm doing things differently. I have a prayer from a friend to say each day with a medallion of St Gerard the patron Saint of Expectant Mothers. The person who gave me the medallion was given it by someone else while she underwent her first IVF cycle. She got one egg and that egg fertilised and she is now 14 weeks pregnant. Her and her husband have been trying for about 3 years with no luck and she passed the medallion onto me when she was just 6 weeks pregnant so that hopefully it will help me. I love that this dear friend of mine did this for me. I often feel isolated in this journey and this simple gesture from a friend just warmed my heart. So i put it on the first day i started injecting my lucrin and i haven't taken it off. Who knows if it will deliver our miracle to us but its just nice to have it as a comfort. 

Secondly i'm starting a new job working 5 days a week and this will happen during the TWW. I think a distraction for me will do me wonders. Usually i take time off work and lay around the house telling my emby to implant. That hasn't worked so far (and i gave it a fair shot -9 transfers!) so i'm going to plan B. Work my ass off and not think about it.

The drugs are all here. Mine get posted as i'm 6 hours from the clinic. The ice pack expoded in the bag and damaged all the boxes but the medicine was safe. Thats it - that will be the only thing that goes wrong for me this cycle.

Fingers crossed anyway!

And the countdown is on

Ok girls after being very quiet on my own blog but avidly still reading everyone else's blogs i've decided to start blogging again. I guess i have been very nervous about this upcoming cylce. I just don't know how i will cope if it doesn't work. On the upside though i was at a party on saturday night and was suppose to be off the grog but once there decided what the heck it will be my last drink of bubbly till bubs arrives (fingers crossed my next cycle works). I had a champagne flute in one hand and the wine bucket with bubbly in it under the other arm (as there was no table). That night 3 people asked me was i pregnant.......i laughed i mean honestly would i be if i was drinking? Than it dawned on me some people take pregnancy for granted and keep drinking and smoking. Its the first time i've been able to laugh at this question in a long time with out feeling like a failure or that i was jinxing myself.

This was my baby

Two years today since i had some spotting. Since i met my obstetrician. Since i had that scan that showed no foetal heartbeat. It was the worst day of my life. I am sure a miscarriage is going to be awful no matter what. Mine was a horrible story and one i would rather wasn't a part of my life.

I had some spotting and rang my OB to get an appointment to see what was going on. It was Wednesday 17th of June 2009. My first appointment was supposed to be Friday the 19th of June. I would have been 12 weeks and we were gearing up to shout our news from the roof tops! I arrived at the Ob nervous as all hell and all alone as my husband was working away. I sat in a waiting room filled with pregnant women. An acquaintance was one of them. She yelled across the waiting room at me "Oh my god are you having a baby too?". How do you answer this when you have told no one your pregnant and your bleeding? I shrugged it off with some muttered words and buried my head in the magazine i was reading. The obstetrican told me it was probably nothing but sent me for a scan. The referral had "threatened miscarriage" on it. As i lay on the bed with the scanner searching my tummy for a heartbeat that empty feeling fell in my stomach. No heartbeat detected and my bub was only measuring 7 weeks and 1 day. A missed miscarriage i was told.  I got dressed, waited for the scans to print out and then walked back to my car where i promptly burst  into tears.I knew i wasn't pregant anymore and i was all alone.

 I went back to the obstetrician where i got to sit in the waiting room for and hour and a half. This time the waiting room was almost empty and the only women coming in were those that had newborns. It really was awful sitting there with the worst news all alone while the receptionist fussed over the very thing i had just lost. When the obstetrician finally saw me and confirmed the news i burst into tears. He told me to stop referring to it as a baby because it was simply just an embryo and i shouldn't be so upset. I was too upset to really respond to that but it is something that has stayed with me since that day. I don't know why i had a missed miscarriage. I don't even know why my body took so long to repond to the miscarriage. I had a D&C on the friday. Instead of driving to town to get the A ok on our pregnancy we were now driving to town to get the remains of our BABY removed. Its a time in my life i would rather not have experienced and still brings so much sadness.

Hurdles

Do you ever think back to your childhood and remember not only all the fun you had with your family but also the hurdles that challenged you? I remember my first hurdle in life was having to grow my hair and wear shoes. My family were going on a holiday to Ireland for the winter. I was 4.  My mother insisted i grow my hair so it could be tied up and that i wear shoes. I remember crying as she would brush the knots out of my hair and the tantrums i threw of having to wear socks and shoes. A hard feat when you've grown up in Sunny Qld and spent all day playing outside with no shoes! At 4 these were big issues in my life. Unfortunatley as you get older the hurdles are still there and unfortunatley for me they get harder and just keep coming. I feel like i'm stuck on the running track of infertility and the main event is hurdles. There is no big crowd cheering me on just the odd timekeeper who keeps reminding me the "clock is ticking" "your running out of time" and my all time favourites "i noticed your not drinking is this cause your pregnant".